


the hardest thing to do

by multicorn



Series: an affair and an adventure [4]
Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-20
Updated: 2013-03-20
Packaged: 2017-12-05 22:13:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/728471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/multicorn/pseuds/multicorn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>kurt isn’t breaking up with adam.  not quite yet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the hardest thing to do

This time when they go back to Adam’s apartment, after the sing-off and the reconciliation, they trade anecdotes of the last few days along the way.  Adam tells him about the set building “…and luckily no one got hurt, but I think I have blue paint everywhere now.”

Kurt eyes him critically.  “I don’t see it.”

“You can see it later, if you want,” says Adam, and because he has no subtlety, he actually  _winks_.

”You know what, I take back everything I said earlier,” Kurt says.  “You are definitely a horrible person.”

“But you like me that way,” Adam says, and so help him, he does.

He tells Adam how Santana’s settling in, “and she’s fine, actually, but now Rachel keeps walking around the apartment half-naked because she thinks that having a lesbian roommate who’s not into her is some sort of challenge, ugh, don’t remind me.”

“Ooh, maybe I should visit your place next time,” Adam says, and Kurt looks at him sideways and can’t quite tell how much he’s joking.

“I’m not sure if I should hope you get along with Santana or not, but okay, as long as I can warn the girls first.”

They walk beneath the uneven darkness of the streetlights, and in a lull in the conversation, Adam says, “well, we’ve survived our first fight, so that’s good.”

Kurt cocks his head.  “Is it?”

“Of course it is, everyone fights.  You just need to make sure you can get through them, that’s all.”  And it sounds so reasonable when he says it.  But still, Kurt thinks…

“Blaine and I almost never did.”  Step by step on the sidewalk; it seems colder now in February than it did a few weeks ago, or maybe it’s just the wind that makes it cut more bitter.  Kurt waits, but Adam’s slow to respond.

“Can you… not do that?” he says at last.

“You said you didn’t mind if I talked about him,” Kurt says, with an edge of defensiveness that he doesn’t quite try to keep hidden.

“I don’t mind the talking,” Adam says, while Kurt watches their feet keeping pace around the freezing shallow puddles on the ground.  “But the comparing - it’s just not nice, you know?”

And he likes Adam, he does, and Adam’s been making him feel so happy here in these past few weeks, and now he’s put that note of hurt into Adam’s voice again and he doesn’t want to do that at all.  “I’ll work on it,” he says, and doesn’t say, although it’s just as true,  _I could always tell Blaine anything._

~*~

It’s late when they finally get back to the apartment, and Kurt’s already had enough chatter for the evening.  His desire isn’t as crazily strong as it had felt earlier, right after the song and the fight, but Adam is warm and strong and a little bit familiar already beside him, and in his arms and the haze of his kiss it’s easy for some of that strange  _aliveness_  to be awakened again.

They undress together and fall into bed touching each other, slow and steady everywhere.  They grind hard together, hips and legs and feet locking, skidding on sweat and the feeling of unspoken relief.  Touching each others’ bodies and mouths until they come one after the other, still kissing, and finally moving to a stop.  Kurt flops off to Adam’s side, one arm still around him, and thinks, but doesn’t say,  _this is also a kind of love_.

“Thank you,” Adam says, and kisses him sweetly, and Kurt rolls into him again.

“You’re welcome.”  He giggles, happily.  “I mean, thank you too.  For everything.”

~*~

They’re still drifting in the afterglow, haven’t even turned off the lights, at two-something in the morning when Kurt’s phone buzzes with a text.

“You gonna get that?” asks Adam, and he’s drowsy and he doesn’t really want to move, but he has to, if only to shut off the noise.  When he picks up the phone to see what’s there, the message is from Blaine.

_Did you win?_

“Whosit?” asks Adam from behind him, and wraps his arms around his waist.  “Anything important?”

Kurt swallows.  “It’s my best friend.”

“Rachel?”

“Blaine.”

Adam sits up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.  “Wait, I thought he was your ex.”

Kurt half-shrugs.  “That too.”  He’s suddenly overcome with the feeling that he doesn’t know what he’s doing at all.  He draws his knees up to his chest and wraps his arms around them, making himself so small.  He wants to reply to Blaine’s text; he promised himself he always would from now on, if he could, once Blaine confessed to him this winter that  _when you don’t respond to me I feel so alone_.  Even though Blaine doesn’t know that he’s still up and not asleep right now, he does, and ignoring Blaine just feels wrong.  But how does he say,  _yes, and now I’m in my challenger’s bed?_

He hasn’t told Blaine about Adam.  Because they’re best friends, again, but they haven’t been talking all that much even after Blaine’s visit at Christmas, and it’s kind of awkward still.  This thing with Adam hasn’t been going on for very long, he still doesn’t even know what to call it or if they’re officially ‘dating’ or not.  So what could he  _say_ , even if he wanted to…

The truth is, he just doesn’t know how to tell Blaine.

But he remembers the Diva sleepovers, giggling with the girls, a lifetime ago; they all agreed then, if you can’t tell your best friend what you’re doing, then maybe you shouldn’t be doing it at all.  “I can’t do this,” he says abruptly, and stands up.

“Wait, what?” asks Adam, sitting up, looking suddenly wide awake too.  And he looks so cute, startled and ruffled like that, like a really big owl - Kurt wishes he could just roll into the bed again and forget everything else.  Only he can’t, because he keeps stopping himself but he  _misses_  feeling like he could tell Blaine everything that he did.  And he can do this, but he can’t talk about it.

“I’m sorry,” he says, “I don’t know why I thought I could - “

“Kurt, please, wait,” Adam says, and he’s trying to make his way out of the covers but he’s still tangled up, hands reaching in Kurt’s direction but not touching him at all.  “Just talk to me, okay?”  And Kurt sits back on the bed with a sigh.

“It’s because of him, isn’t it,” Adam says, and Kurt lets out a tremulous little laugh.

“You’re not surprised, I’m sure,” he says, and finds Adam’s hand to hold among all the sheets, leans back against Adam’s chest when he moves in closer.  He shrugs again, he doesn’t  _want_  to hurt anyone, but what can he do.

Adam runs his hands softly over his shoulders, warm and relaxing, and nuzzles into the back of his neck.  “What do you want?” he asks eventually.  “Because, Kurt, I don’t know if you remember, but you’re the one who asked me out, and it was your idea,” he runs a finger over Kurt’s hip, moving surely with affection and familiarity, “to take things farther.  So.  If you want to break up with me because of a guy you’ve said you don’t want to get back together with, I mean, that’s your choice.  I wish you wouldn’t - “

“Is there anything even to break up?” Kurt asks, and Adam pulls himself all the way out of the sheets to wrap his arms and legs around him.

“I think there is,” he says quietly, breath warm and moist behind Kurt’s ear.

“We’re not exclusive,” Kurt says, starting to tick things off on his fingers, and Adam sits back.

“Okay.”

“We’re not boyfriends, we’re not dating - ” and he stops on the third finger.  “We’re sort of dating, aren’t we?”

“I really don’t want to stop,” says Adam, and he runs his knuckles gently up the line of Kurt’s arm towards the hand that he’s counting on.  “Do you?”

Kurt turns around in Adam’s arms to look at him.  “I don’t know.”  He feels so twisted up inside, like he wanted to find someplace to rest but somehow he’s ended up running in circles instead.  He can’t even think right now.

“So let me get this straight,” says Adam, and his voice is a little sarcastic, a little reproachful, but Kurt can’t even blame him, of course he has feelings too.  “your ex - or, you say, your best friend - texted you, and so you decided you had to break up with me.  What did he have to say?”

“Nothing really,” Kurt shrugs, “he just asked me if I won the Midnight Madness thing.  It’s just that I haven’t actually told him about you, about us, at all, and it would’ve felt wrong, being here and texting him back and not telling him that.”  Kurt tries to lean further into Adam, for warmth, for closeness, but Adam withdraws even further.

“Why haven’t you told him about me, if he’s your best friend?  Is all this supposed to be some sort of dirty little secret?  Because I’m not okay with that,” Adam says, a look of frustration on his face.  And Kurt feels horrible; he was thinking about telling _Blaine_ , or not telling  _Blaine_  (and mostly not-thinking about it to be honest) - he wasn’t even thinking about keeping  _Adam_  a secret at all.

“It’s not like that,” he says, helplessly.  “It’s just hard to tell him things, and I know I should.”

“So it’s not really about me at all,” Adam says.

“I guess not,” Kurt says, and stretches out his hands to where Adam’s retreated now, further up the bed.  “Can we - ?”

Adam holds out his arms, and Kurt dives forward into them gratefully.  “So you’re staying?” he says roughly.

“I can’t do anything else,” Kurt mumbles into his still-bare chest, and breathes in the comforting scent of it.

“Okay then,” says Adam, “okay.”

They wash quickly, taking turns in the bathroom, and Kurt quickly texts Blaine,  _We sang The Impossible Dream. Of course I won._  while Adam’s in there.  Then he curls up in the bed, ready to sleep, and when Adam comes back he turns the light out and joins him.

He cuddles into Kurt, and Kurt cuddles back, and again Kurt feels like the wounds of the night are almost healed.  “Are you going to keep doing this?” Adam asks in the soft cover of darkness.  “The whole yes-and-no, back-and-forth thing?  Because I really like you, Kurt, but this  _hurts_ , and I’m not sure just how much more of it I can deal with.”

“I’m trying not to,” Kurt says, and he knows he’s never been easy to be with but he didn’t think he was this hard.  Was he for Blaine, too?  Or did they just work differently because they were meant to fit together?  “I don’t do it on purpose, you know.”

“I know,” Adam says, and sighs.

“Kiss me anyway?” says Kurt, because he still feels so small and young sometimes and he needs something.  But Adam kisses him and he feels old again, too, to be doing this in another bed, another city, another boy.  He’s held and he’s cared for, and his body curls instinctively around Adam’s as they both sink into sleep.

~*~

The next day Kurt’s phone wakes him up early; seven in the morning, and Adam grumbles when he leaves the bed and lets in the cold air, but wakes up too at the smell of eggs cooking on the hot plate in the kitchen.  He’s going to Lima today to see everyone and be at Mr. Schue’s wedding tomorrow, and he’s already been excused from his classes at NYADA but he has to get back home and get his things before he goes to wait for hours at the airport, and plane schedules wait for no man.

“I would offer to see you off,” says Adam, over his toast and egg, “but I still have classes to go to.  And besides, I guess we’re not at that stage of the relationship yet.”

“It’s a nice offer, though,” Kurt says, smiling.

“Your ex, friend, whatever,” Adam says, “Blaine.  Is he going to be at this wedding?”

Kurt stops chewing, almost stops breathing, but doesn’t quite.  “He is.”

“And since we’re not exclusive,” Adam says, teasing, “are you planning on having some fun?”

Kurt breathes again.  “I don’t know.”  He hasn’t thought about it, really; he’s avoided thinking about it much at all.  He’s not going to Ohio to see Blaine, he’s going for Mr. Schue’s and Miss Pillsbury’s wedding, and he’s going to see all his friends there, including Blaine, and… maybe they’ll hang out.  Or something.  He really doesn’t know.

“I’m just saying, it’s okay with me if you do,” Adam says gently.  “But try to be careful, okay?”

“Thanks,” says Kurt, strangely touched.  It’s not a directive he knows how to follow, but - he’s flying to Ohio in a few hours, and he’s glad for both the freedom to do so and the thought of this sweet new boy who will be waiting here to see him when he gets back.


End file.
